I miss you today

Happy Birthday Mom. I always miss you but this day is hard. The last six months have been trying, and so often I wish I could pick up the phone and call you and tell you what’s going on. You always found that balance between listening, giving advice and letting me find my way. 

I know you must be close because here I am looking at wallpaper samples of all things. I’m wondering how the heck I’m going to hang it straight and will need you over my shoulder! One of your many many talents was that you could hang wallpaper like no ones business! It feels so strange that this is my first home that you won’t see. I look at all the final touches that I will need to do, and so many good memories of past decorating sessions with you flood me.

I find myself in odd moments wondering where you are and why you had to leave. Not in a grand metaphysical “is there a heaven and why does cancer happen” way, more like a child’s questioning the unknown. Active periods of grief come on without warning and it rocks me. Hearing someone mention a lunch with their mom stings. Reading about grandmas visiting grandkids smarts. I think it always will.

You would be proud of all of us. We’re finding our way and dad especially is doing a great job. I’m wearing purple today. I think of you always but especially whenever I see hummingbirds, sunsets and groups of ladies having a good gossip. I’m so thankful to have had the time I did with you. I love you.