This and that

Here is a funny paradox I’ve discovered about myself. When I’m relatively happy and content, personal reflection stinks! Angst is a powerful motivator to get what is in my head, out, so I don’t explode, or implode, or just plode in general. But here are few musings from the last few months.


Christmas – Colin is firmly in the Santa zone and that makes Christmas so much fun. He wrote his first letter to Santa (well, he dictated and I wrote, but he signed his name to make it ‘ffical) and generally hopped to it when we said Santa was watching.

We always travel for Christmas and while I love the convenience of shopping online and shipping directly to the Compound, the poor taunnenbaum stayed bare and a little pathetic without presents. Colin definitely noticed the lack of goods, and I caught more than a few skeptical looks when I tried to explain that he’d have lots under Grandma’s tree. Next year I’m going to wrap some boxes just to add a little cheer to our holiday home.

We had other reasons to enjoy Christmas this year. My mom was feeling much better after a few rough months of brutal chemo side effects. Months that forcefully reminded me that she is still fighting the big battle against cancer. I find myself all too willing to push that reality to the side because she feels pretty good most of the time. Dad had back surgery during that time too, and was a bit off his normal pace as well. After some medication adjustments, and healing time, Mom and Dad rallied and by Christmas they were out partying nearly every night we stayed there.


Losses – Another reason for my high anxiety during Mom’s downtime was the fact that we lost Rob’s beloved cousin Pam to ovarian cancer in November. She was the kind of person who’s very presence made the room a bit brighter, your mood a bit lighter. She had a 1,000 watt smile, a laugh that carried for miles, hugs that embraced your soul. We didn’t see Pam often enough, and we miss her grace tremendously. We also lost Rob’s Grandma in the Spring, the last of our collective grandparents. With 100 years to her credit, our grief for her passing was a bit more tempered with the realization of a long life well lived. We were able to have one last visit with Grandma, and coincidentally Pam, in March when we travelled down to San Diego in March.


Colin– I’m realizing that I have to make a conscious effort not to project my own disappointments and fears from childhood onto Colin’s eager to absorb/do/see/be soul. When Colin started pre-school, we knew that he would be a bit overwhelmed by the schmorgesborg of new faces. But not in a shy, holding back way. In an “I WANT TO BE FRIENDSWITHEVERYONENOWNOWNOWNOW” kind of way. Colin is outgoing in every way, and he is learning about boundaries and personal space.

I wince a bit when I see other kids visibly pull back when Colin comes rushing in with his tidal energy. When he shared his first story about a kid saying “I don’t like you, you bother me.” My heart melted into a puddle and I was swept back to Kindergarten when the girl I had a girl crush on took one look at the teddy bear I brought her as a gift, a second look at my eager attempts to find my BFF and said, “No, I don’t want that.” But that is my story, and not his. And the rebukes don’t seem to phase him, even though similar events crushed me. I can’t shield him from the hurts that will come as part of learning how to navigate the world, but I’m always there when he needs cuddles and a recharge.

 Sooo….I think that’s enough reflecting for one sitting.