Celebration

Today is two weeks. And I think the shock is starting to wear off. And that scares me because I'm not prepared for the tidal emotions that are going to swamp me. I don't do unknown very well. I don't really know how to just be with an emotion and not try to control it. I do feel like I need to keep writing to keep everything from damming up.

Mom's funeral was private, just us and her siblings. It was a beautiful day and we all wore splashes of purple, her favorite color. I may have surprised everyone with my reading - when it came down to it, I couldn't find a poem that resonated with me, or felt like it was something mom would like. So I read Goodnight Moon - her favorite book to read to the grandkids. It felt perfect. And besides, by now you should know...I don't always like to follow the rules.

Mom's Celebration of Life was truly that. Over 400 people came in testament of the many lives she touched. It was very overwhelming, like panic attack overwhelming, because we got there after nearly everyone had arrived and it was like walking into a room full of love - all pointed in my direction. It was wonderful and horrible at the same time. Only horrible because of why we were all there in the first place. We four all got up and spoke. I think we did a great job and I know my mom was there, just out of the corner of my eye, beaming with pride for her kids.

Here is my talk:

I’d like to add my thanks that you’ve joined us today to celebrate mom. She loved a good party. Before I start, I’d like you to share something with you – mom liked me best.



Mothers are a sacred, complicated, lovely mess of emotions. My mom was no exception. But above all, my mom was my touchstone. The comforting and constant center of gravity upon which my life has always revolved.


There were times in my life when I couldn’t get close enough to mom or get enough time. On the other hand, I’m the one that moved away. Given the freedom to go by mom, who never held us back, and let us choose our own way. If we faltered, we had to pick ourselves back up, but she was always there to listen to our troubles and offer some tough love advice, and maybe a cookie or two. I have never regretted the choice I’ve made to live life just a bit apart. But I admit that during these last years I have often wished the miles were fewer, the homecoming more routine. Then again… mom didn’t like us to hover. And she wasn’t shy about telling us that.


When mom first found out she had breast cancer, she told me that she wasn’t ready to go yet. Too much life left to live and of course, there were grandchildren to enjoy. We hadn’t had a child yet and she said that was one of the things she was looking forward to, so we obliged with Colin. But after learning that this time it was lung cancer, the tune was a little different. This time it was about quality of life and building good memories.
As we supported mom in her fight, I often found myself trying to hold on to that childhood certainty that my parents will always be there, no matter how far I venture or how many years I add to my own life. I avoided statistics. I cried at hallmark commercials. Because she did so well, for so long - the last weeks and days went by even more quickly. I knew that we were running out of time but as I told mom, we didn’t have a lot that was unsaid between each other. Of course, there is always more to be said, but the big things had been covered.


My mom was born to be a mom. She always seemed to know what to do, and if she didn’t she made it up with complete confidence. I always enjoyed listening to her and her friends and marveled at the way she could strike up a conversation with anyone. I see those same traits in my sister Angela. I loved her laughter, and her great sense of humor. I admired the dedication she gave to this museum, the legacy of my grandpa. I know that lives on in my brother Rusty. Mom was confident in her views and not afraid to let them be known. She took pride in doing things well. Anyone who has met my brother Tony knows that they have that in common.


When I think about what I share with my mom, creativity comes to mind. And taking certain enjoyment in doing things just a little differently thank expected.


Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue. And the dreams that mom dreamt - a partner in life who made her laugh, a large close family, and grandchildren aplenty – came true. I didn’t ask mom to stay, knowing that her journey had reached its end and that she was tired. But I will always look for her in the sunset, in the stars and in my heart – and cherish the moments when I feel her close again.

(this picture is "Mom's sunset" - she sent it to us the evening she died.)

Goodbye

I held her hand. And I felt her go. Friday the 13th, a final acknowledgement of her irreverant sense of humor.

She sent us a beautiful sunset and in the wind she was with us again. Breathing deep, a full smile on her face. No pain. All love.

I love you Mom. I'll miss you forever.

How can I help you say goodbye?

When I decided to go to university in Washington, my parents didn’t try to talk me out of it. In my youthful eagerness to spread my wings, I felt that mom would take our parting a lot harder than I would (the violent waves of homesickness that hit me two weeks later told a different story). So, to provide a little comfort to her on the return trip to California, I did what any sensible teenager would do – I made her a mixed tape.


This was the first of many significant partings between me and mom. Helping me find a safe neighborhood to live in DC for a summer White House internship. Setting me up in my first apartment in Seattle. Accepting the fact that Rob and I would be staying in the northwest. Waving goodbye to her 10th grandchild after she helped us to get settled. Countless trips to the airport - not so significant but never routine.


But now, she is the one leaving. And I will be the one left behind. I try to follow her example, and not ask her to stay. The lung cancer that has been held back for three and half years will be held no more. Mother’s day took on a completely new significance this year. Today is the last Mother’s Day I will spend with my mom. I have no doubt that she will be with me on every Mother’s Day going forward, but at the moment, that thought offers little comfort. Today was beautiful, and bittersweet.


One of the songs on the tape I made for my mom was, “How Can I help You Say Goodbye.” I chose it 17 years ago because I was worried about making her sad for leaving her. I chose it today because I want to send her off with as much grace as she has always shown me.

“Sitting with Mama alone in her bedroom
She opened her eyes, and then squeezed my hand
She said, I have to go now, my time here is over
And with her final word, she tried to help me understand
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?”

Happy Mother’s Day mom. I will love you forever and back again.

Bravery

See, I always come back. I have a lot stored up in my head at the moment, but I want to finish off my cliffhanger from before. To continue, we had two days at the parks, and decided to spend one day at Disneyland and one at California Adventure. Colin still isn’t up for a whole day and night of park hopping so this worked for us. I finally figured out the fast pass system, and we were rockin and rollin as soon as we hit the park. I recommend the Candy Cane Inn for anyone going. It’s within walking distance, cheap, clean and has enough free breakfast to get you going.
The weather wasn’t the best, we had quite a bit of rain, but that resulted in less lines and good squishy fun. And my mom landed in the hospital with Pneumonia right as we were leaving, so a chunk of my brain was not with the rest of me in the happiest place on earth. But we also got to spend an evening with Rob’s family who are in the LA area. It is always such a joy to see them. It was the first visit we made since both Rob’s grandma and cousin Pam had passed, and it was a sweet way to readjust to the new reality.
At the parks, Colin was ready to go on any and all rides. The boy has a bravery streak that I admire. I tend to think it comes more from Rob’s thrill-seeking gene but perhaps there is a bit contributed from me too. I reached a point somewhere in my life where I decided roller coasters weren’t for me and I refused to get on another one. But I’m in a phase where I feel like I have a new opportunity to challenge old notions and reset certain expectations for myself. At any rate, I’m willing to death grip, hiney cringe and scream with the best of them.
I had a few hindsight “irresponsible parent” flashes as I staggered off some of the rides. But seeing Rob’s face lit up like a little kid, and Colin scampering around hollering “That was so COOL!” put it into the right context. Here are some highlights (the list is not to bore you, but to remind me when I can no longer remember this magic adventure – you know, in a few months.).

Disneyland

• Indiana Jones Adventure - not as adventury as I expected, but I loved how close it tied with the movies!)
• Jungle Cruise – always a favorite
• Tiki Room – so retro-rific
• Great moments with Mr. Lincoln - now with an even more freakishly lifelike automaton
• Disnayland Railroad – one of Rob’s favorites. No, I’m not joking. Choo choo!
• Haunted Mansion – always amazed that I never remember it the same
• Pirates of the Caribbean – I admit, after the fast rides the little waterfall isn’t as whooshy.
• Big Thunder Mountain Railroad – hands up!
• Autopia - pouring rain edition – no lines!
• Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters –I am not ashamed to admit I didn’t let Rob or Colin win.
• Monorail – It gave us a dry ride for a few minutes.
• Space Mountain – aaahhhh!
• King Arthur Carrousel - classic
• Matterhorn Bobsleds – Finally got to see the abominable snowman that I remember my siblings talking about.
• Pinocchio’s Daring Journey – snoozer. Sorry nose-boy. It’s boring.

California Adventures

• Turtle Talk with Crush – super cool dude
• Monsters Inc - we love Sully!
• Tower of Terror –Colin said, “my bottom lifted off my seat!” Rob said, “that was a little much even for me.” I said, “blaarrgghghhh ground. Blarggghhe Sonhuvabitch.”
• California Screamin' – Yes. Yes we did scream. And went upside down. And survived.
• Golden Zephyr – slow mo fun
• Jumpin' Jellyfish - Colin loved this. I think after the Tower of Terror this was the speed he was looking for.
• Silly Symphony Swings – who doesn’t love swings?
• Mickey's Fun Wheel – Ferris wheels freak me out. I was having serious hiney cringe on this.
• Grizzly River Run – We loved this ride! Got completely soaked.
• Redwood Creek Challenge Trail - biggest challenge was that we lost Colin momentarily and I had unpleasant flashbacks to my youthful adventures in the land of the lost.
• Soarin' Over California – we loved this one too.
• Heimlich's Chew Chew Train – silly fun
• It's Tough to Be a Bug A 3-D presentation – a highlight! I discovered I can see 3-D afterall. (was never able too with the red/blue glasses)
• World of Color – a perfect way to end our magical weekend.