I know that losing someone who has a large influence on your
life makes you choose one of two paths – you can let the thread of your life unravel
without their presence, or you move forward and use what they taught you to
forge new trails. (You can also mix metaphors, apparently.)
I know that although impossible to comprehend at the time of
her death, the continuous, acute pain of loss does fade and healing does
happen.
I know how to embrace the memories that shine and let go of
the things that really just don’t have any relevance.
I know will always miss my mom. Her unique flavor of
mothering is something I will never experience from another person for the rest
of my life. There are days my heart aches to hear her voice and see her
beautiful blue eyes and gorgeous smile. I do double takes when I see someone
who looks like her, and my brain forgets for a portion of a second. I miss her
laugh.
I know that losing her opened up the possibility to
presence, explore and exercise certain aspects of myself that were just kind of
dormant. And while I so wish I could share them with my mom, the very fact that
she isn’t here is the reason they came forward at this point in my life.
I’m much closer to my dad. With mom being such a force,
dad’s presence was at times a bit in the background. I certainly knew and
believed that his support and love were always there, and now I have more
direct access to it and to him. I so value him and everything he holds for our
family. I find myself engineering little make-dos around the house (balancing
the espresso steamer pot on the toothpick box because it’s the PERFECT height)
and realize that, yep, I’m my dad’s daughter.
I have a better relationship with my sister. I can’t speak
for Ang, but for me, mom served as a buffer and I didn’t really learn how to
navigate our differences or celebrate the similarities. It feels like at times
we’re cautiously testing the waters, but we are both in the same stream. When
the moments come when I feel alone or apart from my family, she has always been
there on the other end of the phone, or the keypad, sending a quick text to say I love you. She always
has been there, but I didn’t know how easy it was to just reach out for her. I
think all four of us are closer in a lot of ways. Another gift that came with
the goodbye.
I share more with Rob about how I’m feeling and don’t get
mad when he can’t guess what’s going on in my head. Mom was my go-to for when I
was feeling bad, frustrated or sad. Ironically as a communications
professional, I’ve never really expressed myself very coherently when I’m
having “the feelings.” I have had the tendency to try to control and hide
emotions until they all come out in overkill mode over some little thing that
may or may not be related to the core issue. This is a big piece that I’m
working on with my meditation practice, and I’ve seen a lot of progress in the
past year. His love and support means the world to me, and he’s my go-to. She knew
he was the one before I did.
I never hesitate to tell Colin how much I love him. I hold
him close and I let everything go and just be with him. My parents were both very
vocal about their love and pride for us. Now there is just more understanding
about why you should take every opportunity you can to tell your loved ones how
you feel about them. Colin was Mom’s “Huggy Bear” and we still sing the song
she made for him when we need a smile.
I love you mom. Thank you for all the gifts you’ve given me
and that you keep giving. Thank you for being my mom, and for being you. Happy
Mother’s Day.
