Pardon me, was I too happy?

I'm starting to suspect that The Powers That Be have a serious S&M jones.

More often it feels like whenever some good news comes along and grabs your attention, they sneak in while you are distracted with all the happiness and glee-like antics and leave behind some kind of nasty business for you to discover (think three-day old cat barf). They are perennially stocked with the other shoe that you keep forgetting about (or pretend to forget about), ready to drop it and laugh at the resulting emotional fallout.

Baby Andrew came home this week, sprung from the NICU all kinds of fat and happy. Ready to do what babies do best. While I stopped to wish the newly reunited family well and start to implement my schemes to spoil our newest nephew, those effing PTB were in the wings giggling behind their hands in anticipation of their next trick. A few hours later, I got the news that mom's cancer took a left turn instead of the anticipated and hoped for right. The fight and life goes on. She will be starting a new phase of treatment and we will head to The Winco to restock a bulk supply of Hope.

There is no reason at this point not to be anything but positive. But I have a funny habit of not letting reason take too much of a foothold in my world. I know that my reaction to the news is the result of too much optimistic denial and holding onto my Sunshine card with the stubborn hand of a child refusing to acknowledge any alternative other than "it will be fine."

And really, considering the alternatives, all is fine right now. On a day to day basis, it has been surprisingly easy to think positively and to hope for the best - whether that is reduction, remission or my favorite - "Whoops, that's not cancer after all. My Bad." How can it be otherwise when my mom feels well, chemo be damned, and acts like she always has?

But today, for right now, I need to be sad. I need to hunker down with my boys and send my thoughts to an alternate reality where cancer is just a Tropic and an astrological sign. I'll get it out of my system now so that when I see her next week I can be the support she needs and deserves. Because if I show up all teary-eyed, mom will kick my ass.

*I slept on this entry, not sure if I would post it in all its melodramatic glory. But I will, since this is my journal of sorts, a record of where I was at a certain point in time. I woke up to this horoscope: There are a lot of things up in the air in your life, right now, but that doesn't need to make you feel nervous. Try to see this uncertainty as an opportunity -- you can make things go the way you want if you try hard enough. If you want to make a change, you can make it. Instead of projecting what you fear onto the situation, project what you want out of the situation. You will be surprised at how a little bit of positive thinking will turn the tide and make things fall into place.