A balancing act

Since when did balancing become so difficult?

I don't like to write about work here for many reasons. One is that it's simply not that interesting to share. But obviously something’s been up as I alluded in a previous post. And here it is. [Looking left. Looking right. I don’t think anyone from my work reads this.]

Until recently I was (I’m pretty sure) the frontrunner for a position at a Really Big and Very Cool Company that is headquartered locally. After six interviews over a month and way too many sleepless nights, I’ve been considering taking myself out of the running.

One reason is because after all the interviews with me (did I mention six interviews?) they reposted the job to “widen the field.” This tells me that either they aren’t confidant that I’m right for the job, or that they aren’t sure what they are looking for. By the way, this company is notorious for an insanely long hiring process - because they can be.

Another reason for my doubts is that this position would not only require me to give up my current flex week schedule, it would require long hours and many early morning and late evening calls to connect with a global team. The image of me never seeing my boys and putting an unequal parenting burden on Rob has loomed large in my head during wakeful nights and anxious days. Really Big and Very Cool Company is a highly desired place to work - they get hundreds of thousands of applications a year. I am sure they are looking for someone who doesn’t have the not-entirely-career-friendly quest to find balance between work and home. Trust me, if this opportunity came up 3.5 years ago – I’d be all over it. The challenge of the job appeals greatly to me. It would be a big step up for my career. And all this angst may be moot if I’m not the person they are looking for.

And there’s a little boy with big brown eyes who keeps popping up and reminding me that I’m no longer free to make the same sacrifices for career advancement that I once was.

During this process, the prospect of giving up my home days with Colin has filled me with equal parts excitement and dread. I’ll admit that this parenting phase hasn’t been the easiest or even remotely enjoyable at times. And I'm not even with him every day! While I don’t think it is easy for anyone who has parented a toddler, I feel, compared to others in a similar situation, that I’m too often woefully inadequate for the daily mental challenge that is Colin. Let's just say he enjoys a challenge just as much as his mom.

Added to this is the fact that I do have to work from home for a certain number of hours (frequent blog posts to the contrary). Then I get the guilt devils sitting on my shoulders having a field day with my mind. "You should be working." "You should be doing something with Colin." So I'm basically screwed. The thought of escaping to an office five days a week and having less, but more quality, time with Colin has a certain amount of appeal.

At the same time, I love my time with my son. I love being Colin’s mom. I am fully aware of having the privilege of being present during this time when he still needs me and wants me around (most of the time). “Comb on mama! Pway wif me!” “I yuv you!” “awww, nice mama! Hugs mama!” “I hep you mama?”

I know how lucky I am to have a job that allows me this flexibility. So why can’t I just accept what is and quit looking for a new/bigger/better/exciting challenge? Barring some windfall to allow for early retirement, I have about thirty-some odd years of work left. I have considerably less than that of my kid’s childhood.

But still. Still.

There’s that part of me that can’t or won’t let go of wanting to advance my career. I enjoy working. A large part of who I am has been created by being good at what I do. I just wish that I could find a better balance between my mom self and my career self. I want to find contentment in the moment and not have to constantly rein in those sneaky thoughts that take my mind away from wherever I’m at, whether that’s at work or at home, to where I could be. I'll need to do some exploring to see if there is any way I can grow my current role. We have a new CEO coming on board which could change a lot of what I'm not thrilled about.

And how does Rob weigh in on all this hemming and hawing? Wonderfully as usual. Supportive of my choices, splashing a little reality when needed, listening to me while I make complete 180s on my reasoning and rationale. “I really need to take this challenge for my sanity.” “This challenge would be way to much for my sanity.”

So where does this leave me? Right where I started. A little disappointed in myself that I can’t find or accept middle ground. Not really happy with my job but not unhappy either. Perhaps a little glad that I likely won’t get offered the job because then the decision is made for me. Playing out scenarios in my head until I don't know which way is up or down, what is reality and what I am projecting. Struggling to find a balance between a job that satisfies my jones for a challenge and growth and the desire to be witness to my son’s childhood and be a good partner to my husband.

Maybe this is why I never took up skiing. Balance just doesn’t seem to come naturally to me.