Tree, check. Decorations, check. Shopping, check. Cookies, check. Joy…um.
“If we make it through December” is the refrain of one of my favorite Merle Haggard Christmas songs. This is very much how I felt this holiday season. Duh dun dunnn…The first holidays without Mom. When December hit, I felt like I switched on autopilot.
It wasn’t that I felt especially dragged down, but the absence of mom was a gaily-wrapped elephant with a bow on top. Christmas was mom’s favorite holiday in general. In the last few years especially it gave her a rally point. At Christmastime, mom was the tinsel clad general, sending her elves here and there. She was happy. She was whole.
Dad happened to be in town when we drove into the compound, so the house was dark. I’ve got to say, it sucked walking in. Harder than the first time I went back after Mom died. It hit me square in the gut – she’s not here. She will never be here again. But then dad got home, I got a big hug and we got the lights all turned on. The tree was gorgeous, and dad had even put up a string of purple Christmas lights over the doorway. A lovely touch and a simple gesture that says so much about my Dad.
After that, it all got better. I felt her close. I enjoyed seeing friends and Ya-Yas and family. Gifts starting piling up under the tree. We all got together and the kids made gingerbread houses, perhaps a new tradition. If not, just a fun time as a family. I did a few beautiful meditation sessions with people from my group and one of my cousins (so much fun!) that helped me stay centered and grounded.
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| I love this family! |
On Christmas eve we went to Angela’s home for tacos and good conversation. Cookies, carrots and milk made their way to the fireplace and we tucked our sugarplum into bed. Christmas morning and day was frenetic and chaotic and perfect. We lit a candle and had a moment of silence for Mom to bring good memories forward. She was with us in our hearts. In many ways, it was one of the most peaceful Christmases we’ve enjoyed.
I am struggling with a bit of post-holiday funk right now, and the words don’t flow very well. This post has taken me since Christmas to finish but here it is. I don’t make resolutions but I hope to find my thread again with this blog. I always feel better after I write. And I’d like to get to the point where not every post is about my grief. I am doing pretty well emotionally! Life goes on. We laugh, we try to keep up with Colin and we make it through.
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| This kid makes me laugh! |
3 comments:
Such a hard time of year for so many. It is always a little bittersweet when the Holidays come to a close, particularly when you are suffering a great loss. Laura, I know that you will one day write about things other than your grief. I hope that your post holiday funk will pass swiftly!
I was so excited to see your updated post. I've missed hearing about your beautiful world. The funk is no fun, but you are fabulous, even while going through your funk. You are so loved!
Keep the writing coming. You are an inspiration and it's so comforting to see that you have found solace in the new reality that your family now faces without your mom. You have a wonderful family and friends that love you. Thanks for showing us how to face and deal with adversity.
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